Forgiving yourself and others becomes a challenge at times, but the rewards are great.
You’ve undoubtedly experienced someone hurting you before, or you may have made a mistake and are now angry with yourself. You know you shouldn’t allow your resentment or disappointment to control you, yet it can be difficult to forgive someone or yourself. But once you do, you are able to let go of all the stored-up negative feelings, feel good about yourself, and confidently move on with your life.
Of course, to experience these advantages, sincere forgiveness must be practiced, which is a laborious process. It’s worthwhile, though. According to Robert Enright, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and author of Forgiveness Is a Choice, “When you forgive, you see the personhood in the one who hurt you, and you have a wider story of who they are.” “You realize you are more than what was done to you when you see that someone is more than what they did to you. You begin to recognize everyone’s inherent worth, including your own.
What is forgiveness?
Basically, forgiving someone is a deliberate decision to let go of resentment. And neither is it quick nor easy. According to a study, forgiving someone can take up to a year. However, according to Suzanne Freedman, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Northern Iowa, “many feel they can’t forgive because they assume it should happen instantly.” There will be ups and downs along the way, and you could change your mind several times about what you want to do.
These 4 Steps Will Assist You In Forgiving Yourself And Someone Who Has Hurt You
Ready to flex your muscles of forgiveness? To practice profound forgiveness, follow these steps. They are based on the four phases that Enright and Freedman distinguished.
Make That Decision To Forgive
Phase one is the unveiling stage. Determine who and what upset you specifically by seeking counseling or keeping a journal. Tell the person how their actions affected you if you can do so without endangering yourself. The decision stage follows, where you tell yourself that you wish to forgive. It’s acceptable if you don’t want to forgive or aren’t ready to yet.
If you’re having trouble deciding, think about whether holding onto your anger is helping you, says Enright. He claims that when you harbor animosity, you frequently think about the individual who injured you. You can gradually adopt a negative viewpoint and steer clear of relationships as a result. One individual has so much control over you that it has ruined your capacity for trust and joy. That serves as a reason to forgive. ”
Practice forgiving others
Here is the third and final (heavy) phase: Consider the background of the individual who offended you. How were they brought up? Which injuries do they have? According to Enright, “you’ll probably find they’re a weak, fearful, confused person who is taking it out on you.”
Searching for common humanity may also be beneficial. Do you realize there is no one else in the world exactly like you? I’ll ask folks. Doesn’t that imply that you are valuable? I’ll then ask them the same questions regarding the offender. People eventually acknowledge that each individual has their own value, though it may take months, he claims.
By avoiding forgiveness, you may be “correct,” avoid having awkward talks and avoid having to put yourself out there, according to her. “But you’re wasting time and your ability to move forward with your life,”
Initially, it may be challenging to accept this acknowledgment. According to Enright, when people understand they can bear their grief without directing it at the other person or anyone else, the agony actually starts to fade. As a second step, think about offering the offender something positive, such as kind words, a call, or a contribution made in their honor. That action confirms your lack of animosity and might motivate them to improve as well.
Focus On The Benefits Of Forgiving
The period of discovery comes last. Enright advises keeping a journal about your identity as a person after leaving everything behind. Do you consider yourself to be more deserving of mercy? Are you more sympathetic to others’ suffering? Do you sense a new reason for living? Give yourself a pat on the back if you answered all of these questions with a loud “yes.” The goal was accomplished!
Also, be kind to yourself by forgiving yourself
Okay, so you’ve mastered forgiving people or are working on it. What about you, though? It’s also an internal issue! Due to their propensity for being perfectionists, White finds that women frequently struggle with self-forgiveness because owning up entails acknowledging failure.
Get into the habit of asking yourself what you can do better when you goof up, she advises, which is a straightforward yet effective technique. “That actually boosts confidence because your ability to take charge and make things right determines how valuable you are to yourself.” Write down your ideal self and start acting in accordance with that description to take it a step further.
