What Is Unconditional Love and How Does It Affect Relationships? “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, or what you did, as long as you love me,” the Backstreet Boys famously sang.
Many individuals grow up fantasizing about attaining this romantic concept of unconditional love. Relationship specialists and therapists, however, believe it is a myth—an ideal that is not only impossible but also unpleasant.
Before you tune out, let me explain that a beautiful kind of love does exist. It’s about defining healthy love and not taking the word “unconditional” too literally.
Indeed, Yeshiva Davis of K&S Therapeutic Services, Inc., a marital and family therapist, prefers the word “unconditional regard,” which implies “treating your relationship with love and respect while keeping boundaries and having love and respect for yourself.”
In the following sections, Davis and other specialists will dissect the concept of unconditional love.
We are looking at:
What Is the Definition of Unconditional Love?
Davis defines it as: “Nothing else matters when you are in love with someone.” It enables individuals to love freely and without constraints. “You don’t make your decision on what someone does for you or what you want in return.
You simply adore them and desire nothing more than their happiness.”
She and Dr. Paulette Sherman, a psychologist, believe that it is also a sort of love that is not affected by the outside world or the circumstances around the two individuals. It is self-contained.
Susan Winter, a relationship therapist and author, says, “Love without conditions is a spiritual and romantic ideal.”
It’s something to strive for in terms of personality and character. Unconditional love is the act of consistently putting your partner’s well-being and happiness over your own. It entails sacrificing the’self’ for the satisfaction of the ‘other.'”
Is it Possible to Have Unconditional Love?
While all or portions of those definitions sound nice, experts agree that they are not entirely realistic perspectives on relationships and marriage.
“Unconditional love denies the’self,’ which would be incompatible with a mutually rewarding relationship.
It would be preferable to prioritize your friend’s happiness while also attending to your own goals and requirements.
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, as you desire your partner to be happy just because you love them. However, some features of pure “unconditional” love might be detrimental.
True unconditional love, according to Davis, should be provided to newborns and toddlers who lack control over their behaviors and emotions.
It’s something that, because of genetics and blood ties, is frequently discussed in parent/child interactions. However, in love relationships, it might be harmful, according to her.
“It means that refusing to accept anything is a terrible thing. You are not able to set limits… You must unconditionally love someone and accept their actions.
“Love me and supply me with everything I need regardless of how I treat you…” “That is completely unrealistic since a strong relationship necessitates working through challenges in a mature and pleasant manner, as well as negotiating… so that both individuals may have a nice and loving experience that is not possible with unconditional love.”
Unconditional love in a romantic relationship, according to Sherman, is uncommon but its possible.
The issue is to define it in a healthy way as a love that is not conditional (i.e. “I will only love you if you do this”) but yet allows for flexibility.
“Love does not have to be self-repressed or self-sacrificing to be genuine,” Winter says. “A healthy love may be fulfilling and generous—giving and receiving.
True love does not have to undermine the individual for the benefit of the relationship.”
Signs of Healthy Unconditional Love
So, how can you cultivate a healthy form of unconditional love?
Winter describes it as one partner recognizing the other as an imperfect being. “It’s the ability to forgive each other and start again while learning to better handle life’s challenges as a relationship,” she continues.
“This form of unconditional love requires simply the willingness to be fair, reasonable, and compassionate.”
At the same time, conditional love is an issue. You don’t want to get into a “tit for tat” scenario where you keep score.
“In partnerships that have endured continuous stupidity, betrayal, and dishonesty, conditional love can become the norm,” she continues.
“Unconditional love feels simple during the honeymoon stage. However, as time passes and resentment and anger accumulate, conditional love may become the dominant thread.”
Healthy love is a delicate balance that may appear difficult, but it is actually just mutual respect, trust, understanding, and, well, love.
Some examples of healthy unconditional love
- Not being scared to express your feelings, especially if they are unpleasant.
- Common trust
- Understanding each other’s love language
- Individual aspirations and interests should be encouraged.
- Having friendships outside the relationship
- Making each other a priority
- Respecting each other’s wants and desires
- Accepting complete responsibility for how you present yourself in the relationship
- Treating your partner with acceptance and respect
- Desiring the happiness of your mate
- Forgiveness
Signs of Unhealthy Unconditional Love
According to Davis, unconditional love implies that “you have to put up with me no matter what I do.”
Because there are no guidelines for appropriate behavior, this provides a potential breeding environment for emotional abuse.
Forgiveness is essential in a relationship, but taking advantage of it and repeating negative actions in the hope of being forgiven is a blueprint for trouble.
“You may love someone and still choose to set boundaries or not be romantically involved with them. This is a crucial distinction “Sherman is informed.
The following are some symptoms of unhealthy unconditional love:
- You’re still together because you’re dependent on each other
- Suffering from emotional or physical abuse
- Suffering from sexual or emotional infidelity
- Suffering from financial infidelity
- Giving up your own wants for the benefit of your relationship
What Role Do Marriage Vows Play?
When you say “I do” in front of your family and friends, you are making lifetime vows and commitments to your partner.
However, Winter observes that these vows are made a long time before “there are instances of pain and hurt.”
The words are simple to speak at that point in time. There are no emotional connections to consider (for example, betrayal, selfishness, addiction, or financial adultery).”
According to experts, wedding vows are “aspirational,” and they “establish an aim,” according to Winter.
But, like life, love passes through phases, and it’s “the day-to-day behavior that decides the consequence of love’s continued existence,” she says.
